Dear 5-year-old self,

Today is your 31st birthday.

You are married to the love of my life, whose plot twist is a chick and she is incredible. I know you are in love with the brown-haired boy in the picture. It’s just not mean to be my little human self. I mean that’s why they call it the first love for a reason sweetie. You are tiny with this sweet platinum blonde mullet with that even sweeter rainbow fishnet shirt that I would be wearing different today in my plus size figure. Hey, Can you make sure to stash that somewhere so I can have it that would be killer? No? Mom will give it away or something? you know what that’s fine. We don’t need it.  Oh speaking of Mom make sure you hug her extra tight for both of us ok? Thanks.


This was old school 90s McDonald’s birthday parties with the pizza and cake. The one where the birthday person got to go makes ice cream cups for the whole party. You will remember that and the cake and pizza. You won’t remember the presents or if you played in the ball pit. You will remember being happy. Honestly, it’s the last birthday I remember being happy.  Maybe it’s cause there are these incredible pictures that I’m sure Cathy took. The top picture will be stuck above Mom’s Dryer holder by Dad at some point then just live there.

You are gonna have a weird strange life and you won’t remember much from this time so please enjoy it. You will fall in love with a bunch of boys who don’t really want you so don’t get too attached to them. They are all dumb. Your weight will be all over the place starting in like 3 years cause Adderall hasn’t been perfected yet to not make your ADHA craze ass not gain a bunch of weight. You will learn that all the pills for your mental health will make you gain weight. It’s ok cause one day big girls will rule the damn world so don’t worry. You are going to go to college and not your use degree but please try to figure that out. I’m still trying to.  You will have a  wonderful job where you are the OG greatest of all time. Like the best at it and you will get to go a lot of fun stuff with them. Also, Don’t get credit cards, Listen to Mom, and try not to drink too much and run through the woods in like 10 years ok.

In case you are wondering, Yes Pink is still our favorite color even though we are currently in our Blue Period, We still like the Power Rangers, Rocko, and Rugrats. You still love wrestling and your wife will mock you for it, but remember wrestling is real, people are fake.  Also, it will influence your taste in music from a very young age. You are an amazing taste in music now.  Also, you are gonna be really into true crime one day but please embrace it cause solving crimes at 3 am is gonna fill some voids for you. Also, read more books, please. Oh, you are gonna be so obsessed with beauty and makeup one day that you are gonna have a  blog. Do fun stuff with it ok?

During your life you are gonna have a lot of best friends but one day you are gonna meet this strange girl dressed in black in an art class. Grab her and never let her go cause she is your cosmic soulmate and you are gonna need her. Also, go on a ton of concert mini-adventures.

Please take care of yourself cause one day your body will hate you and you will figure it out at some point. Listen to the Blue Blazer and start taking vitamins now cause one day you will rely on them. You are going to get old and it will fuck with your mental state cause you feel like you have done nothing. Please don’t panic this is just the beginning.

It won’t be an easy road ahead of you but it will be worth it, I promise.

Love Your Future Self


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